Dear Jenny,
When I turn on my gas
burner, it literally explodes with an unruly flame and burns a hot orange. This
is not normal for my stove, which usually has a nice, controlled blue flame.
What’s going on and how can I fix this? I almost lost my eyebrows.
-Burning Mad in North
Carolina
Dear Heartburn,
I’ll tell you exactly what's going on. What happened is this: your husband messed with your stove. Remember when you mentioned that the back burner wouldn’t light
unless you blew on it? Well, there was your first mistake. While you were away
on your girl’s weekend, Bubba took your stove apart and sprayed it down with industrial-strength paint stripper or some equally menacing substance just to see what would happen. Sure, he could
have first read the directions for the stove or glanced at the chemical
warnings on the can, but what fun would that have been? Besides, it’s a pretty
well-known fact that reading directions causes erectile dysfunction and
baldness.
Now, your second
mistake will come when you go and ask him what in the name of Sam Hill he did
to your stove. This is truly a no-win situation, since he will deny doing
anything that could possibly have harmed it. When you point out that you had to
draw your eyebrows back on with a crayon, he’ll proceed to label you an ingrate
and mumble something about how “he doesn’t even know why he bothers trying to
help around the house since he can’t please you”.
Come to think of it, I’m not even really
sure why you asked.
-Jenny
Dear Jenny,
My wife bought me a
new zero-turn lawn mower after she became frustrated with the old one breaking
all the time. It was pretty expensive, but it actually turned out to be kind
of a piece a crap. How do I tell her?
-In the Weeds in
Washington
Dear Ungrateful
Bastard,
What kind of husband
are you? I think your wife deserves a back rub.
-Jenny
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